An unquiet mind

*This review is an actual excerpt from my personal journal*

Sunday January 7 2013 10:30 PM

To-day I finished reading a book: An unquiet mind by Kay Jamison.

This Copyright 1995 paperback was lent to me by a friend last Thursday. He had not read it yet but knew I would read it quicker and return it to him the Thursday to follow.

So anyway b/c I couldn't be patient enough to find a place on-line or an address to rant about my feelings, thoughts - etc about Kay's book I've decided to pretend I am writing a review that maybe read by anyone on the internet.

B/C. I'm not using my real name I'm willing to disclose my diagnosis of Bi-polar. I read Kay's book with optimism & it ended with a feeling of dissatisfaction, almost a sense of injustice. I had to keep in mind this was my first read of a biography/memoir. And was taking the lack of orderlyness I am use to with a grain of salt. I also took into consideration this book my have been written at times where a mania phase only makes sense to the person experiencing the mania.

But then I argued, So many acknowledgements at the end and don't publishing companies use editors? I believe I was trying very hard to justify my lack of ability to align myself in a parallel manner with Kay's life. I actually started to hate her in a high school girl foolish kind of way.

I wanted to be well-educated, traveled and loved. I wanted to be important. A-ha. That was it. This has nothing to do with mental illness but simple truths in my reality. There are times in my life I will feel negative, I will feel jealousy, And I will want justice  & demand the world to be black & white.

Then I remember other things I believe in. For some people, ill or not, take a path in life they believe is the truth, It is their reality. For some they need to be important. I don't mind being a cheerleader on the sidelines. It almost alleviates some responsibility *(sounds terrible huh?)*

 Once you confess your thoughts in any manner ultimately you waiver your privacy. The critics come in and judge you. And then more people come along and say I don't agree. Here is my opinion, what I believe is this. Humans make choices everyday deciding  'How important is this to me.'

Ms. Kay choose to invest much time of her life in studying, researching and living the reality of a person with a diagnosed mental illness. It was and is important to her to share her beliefs. I do not want to crucify her or cut her down for living her reality.

Some of her thought at the time she wrote may have made me feel sad. I think it was mid-page 200.

I decided not to let this illness define me or who I am or use it as a scapegoat for my personality.

I will always be just me to-day. This is my belief, truth & reality. I have found that dousing myself with mental ill oriented support lifestyle only perpetuates it.

Did you make a mistake to-day? Dismiss it. If you want to remember it - go ahead. Imagine always thinking, thinking about how to do each thing in your life 'correctly'. Impossible.

I have a wonderful luxury. I can make decisions. I can believe what I wish. I can close the book.

*I would just like to thank those of you that took the time to read my review to the end*